24/7 Comedy Posts by Jordan Clifford

  DIVORCED DAD COOKING SHOW http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=6r2NfLRsjrc Father's Day seems distinctly different from Mother's Day, and not just because one parents loves you more than the other. While Mother's Day generally means you treat your mom to a nice day of doing stuff for her and lots of attention, in my experience the best gift you can give your dad is to leave him alone for a G-D minute to watch the History Channel in peace. Unless your dad is a divorced dad. Remember, they count too, and deserve up to 40% of your love on selected weekends.  This depressing cooking show for divorced dads, presented by the consistently amazing Rue Brutalia, opens a window into the pathetic existence of this demographic of men. Men who have no choice but to revert to their living quality as a college student, because without a wife, that's basically what they are. But don't worry, they're doing great! They're doing great! They're doing... great.

  JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN http://www.comedycentral.com/ videos/index.jhtml?videoId= 388144&title=you-can-t-shoot- here Jon Benjamin has a voice you probably know, and now he has a van. Or maybe he always had a van, and now he has a show. Jon Benjamin, or H. Jon Benjamin as he's sometimes known when he's writing early 20th century poetry, has been the voice of some of the best characters in recent cartoon shows like Dr. Katz, Home Movies, and Archer. While his new show does prominently feature his voice, the important difference to note is it also features his face and body, and is not, so far, animated.  Jon Benjamin Has A Van, a title which sounds like it could be the beginning to a scheme or heist or kidnapping plan, premiered the other night on Comedy Central. It had, as far as I know, massive ratings and overwhelming critical and public praise. I haven't looked into any of that, so I'll just go ahead and assume it's true. Because you know what they say when y

  BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IN A CAR http://youtu.be/irLsjBDPe5c Remember when Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar made "Bohemian Rhapsody" a popular meme, along with spewing into tiny cups and making frequent reference to the likelihood that flying primates might escape from your rectum? Well apparently so do the Finnish. While there are no buttmonkeys in this video, there are four grundgy musicians crammed into an old car, rocking it far beyond its capacity.  The Porkka Playboys are a street band from Finland who went from the urban streets to the rural fields and outside their native language to bring this truly great rendition of Queen's magnum opus, adding accordions, trombones, non-drum drums, melodica and a soprano sax solo. I think Freddie Mercury would be proud. And even if he wouldn't, Wayne and Garth sure would. 

  BOOK OF MORMON on the TONY AWARDS http://youtu.be/tggtPHDmrR8 In order for me to see Book of Mormon, I had to stand on line in the rain for 4 hours to get standing room seats behind the orchestra. Though, when I say "I had to," I of course mean "my brother had to." Either way, I felt his pain when we agreed "this show had better be worth it!" And it was, for me anyway.  BoMo (as I've decided to call it) just won, I think, every single Tony Award this year - including Best Musical, Best Original Score, Best Revival, Regional Theater Award and Lifetime Achievement. This song is a good example of the humor of the show, and displays, most importantly, that the songs are good. Dang good. Heck, I'll even say darn good!  The basic premise of BoMo  is that some ambitious uber-Mormon missionaries get sent to war-torn Africa instead of where they wanted to be: Florida. Things don't go so easily as they planned (because the warlords in Florida are no wh

  GO THE F**K TO SLEEP as read by SAMUEL L. JACKSON http://youtu.be/5yqVnCAiWHw Will the power of Samuel L. Jackson swearing ever diminish? No, because the power of swearing will never diminish, and Sam Jackson's powers are forever. Swearing is awesome, and so is he. Just as the effect of adding jelly to peanut butter or brownies to everything is never less than amazing, Sam Jackson swearing will forever bring joy to those who experience it.  His voice is the precise aural manifestation of what every single person thinks they sound like in their head when they're swearing. His voice sounds like a crooning panther, or a 62 year old black man from Washington D.C. When he swears it is never in excess; like the wizard that he is, he does everything exactly as much as is absolutely necessary, which is always a whole lot.  So, as we should have expected, Sam Jackson is now narrating a children's goodnight book. Oh, but it's not just any children's book! It's a book wi

  SKOOL BOY SWAG http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=oxYsFynEmns&feature=player_ embedded This new version - dare I say improvement - of Soulja Boy's "Pretty Boy Swag" is more intelligible and has a more positive message... which is.. that... um, kidz rule? It doesn't matter, they're small. The Sh'Boss Boys are a group of lil boys who do funny things in front of cameras and dress alike. You know, a rap crew. Their lyrics, however, sound suspiciously like they were written by their teacher. But not just a teacher trying to inspire other kids, a teacher who has a class full of kids who don't even know the simplest of things about school. Lyrics like, "I know how to read so I do my work with ease" and "I do my home work, then I turn it in," are like starting from scratch and hoping for the best.  "Ok children, did anyone do their homework today? You did? Then why didn't you turn it in? Remember, step 1 is DO your homework, and ste

  9 YEAR OLD BOY VOGUES HIS HEART OUT http://vimeo.com/24750006 Ah, the summer of '91. The summer of fast moves, see through clothes and extremely fast boats. It was the summer of the Pee Wee Herman being caught masturbating, the summer of Jeffery Dahmer, the summer of rollerblades, and for one lucky 9-year-old boy, the summer of Vogue.  This video of a 9-year-old boy dancing is a good excuse to listen to this Madonna song, or listening to this Madonna song is a good excuse to watch a 9-year-old boy dancing. Either way, it has become a viral hit and has brightened people's days all across the world, bringing them back to when they used to be an adolescent gay boy. We've all been there, he just owned it. It's very much like the mega-popular Youtube genre, "young kids lip-synching and dances awkwardly to pop songs, embarrassing themselves for the amusement of millions and millions of people," which is one of my favorite genres, except there are two important dif

  STEVE ZINGS THE MOVIES http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=4O4MhkCb_IE http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=ZKJfa3HQTwg&feature=related Film criticism is usually pretty stupid. The only way for it to get better is if it gets stupider. Internet, meet Steve Soroka. Comedian, improviser (as you'll see) and part of sketch duo BoF: Best of Friends, Steve has taken criticism at its truest form, the zing, and worked exclusively in that acute speciality, taking film criticism to new heights.  The idea: his friend Chris Roberti reads off random movie titles, and Steve zings them. It's so simple it can't not be good. Here is their latest, as well as a Best Of Zings compilation to get you acclimated. These are some of my favorite zings: Heaven Can wait: No it can't! (gun shot sound) As Good As It Gets: you make me wanna see a better movie Silence Of The Lambs, ugh, I wish 12 angry men: make it 13! Anaconda: too long! Fools Rush In: fools rush out! 2 thumbs up! (reverse zing!) Somethi

  BIKER JUSTICE http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=bzE-IMaegzQ&feature=player_ embedded It's hard enough to live in NYC with just the millions of (shudder) people, and all the millions of (shudder) cars, add thousands of (shudder) cops to the mix and that makes it SO much harder! You'd think with those numbers we could totally take the city back, Warriors style, but we just aren't organized. They're constantly ticketing people for every little murder or theft, but I guess there aren't even enough real crimes out there that they have to go around ticketing bikers who are actually innocent.  Bikers sometimes scare me. They ride too fast, they have attitude, they dress all funky, and they can get really uppity when you bring it up. I'd prefer if they just stayed in their segregated lanes and kept to themselves and their kind. However, this video does prove beyond a doubt that cops illegally target bikers. Bike lanes frequently have obstructions in the bike lanes l

  KNOCK KNOCK JOKES ON A COW http://youtu.be/WT6vDPAg8nk Too many comedians try too hard to have "jokes." They're all concerned with making some amount of sense, with starting at a premise and ending at some logical conclusion, like a punchline, anything at all. Not this kid. He knows that sometimes you have to just start somewhere, and then let it flow, even if that means repeating the same non-joke about cows a bunch of times, revealing your weird obsession with cows. Absurdity has worked for people like Eugene Mirman, but it works best for people who are 4.  I'd like to see anybody come up with a better joke than  "Knock Knock? Who's there? Lip Lip who? Lips on a mouth in a cow." I don't think I can, but I' gonna try. Knock Knock Who's there? Food Food who? I love food. It's more of a poem about how I'm hungry right now, or an ode to food, than it is a joke. It doesn't quite capture the same pure lack of reason and effort that

  HOLLYWOOD MEETINGS: TRANSFORMERS 3 http://www.atom.com/funny_ videos/hugs_hollywood_ meetings/ Hollywood. It's the worst, right? We like to assume some good people work in that desolate land of cocaine and body cleansing, but it's just as easy to believe they don't. Hollywood is more like a giant machine that eats good people for fuel. Like a big transforming machine that doubles as a sports car. After all, there are three Transformers movies. Three. That's because people like this actually work in Hollywood, and eat good people for business brunch, washed down with mimosas. Enter a mild-mannered sound designer who has to deal with the most childish, obnoxious and comfortably racist person in the business: Michael Bay. And also this interviewer, who is such an idiot that I'm almost certain this is a documentary about real Hollywood meetings.  Although, for as bad as this guy is as an interviewer/human being, his ideas are gold. I would absolutely see that movie fr

  MOVING DAY http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=CISxunjjQnA Moving out of your apartment is a lot like sex: no one you know wants to help you do it even if they say they would, and if they actually do then you have to buy them pizza and beer.  Team Submarine's video isn't exactly about having sex with your friends. When you get down to the heart of it, really it's about the bond between friends and the strength of brotherhood when it's tested by insurmountable challenges. It's also about getting it on with your neighbors with the help of your friends.  What I like about it is it presupposes that it's common for all the sexy chicks you know in your neighborhood will all finally want to get with you once they know you're moving away. Looks like I'm ending my lease early... That means I'll finally get to score with that old Mexican lady who sits outside all day and the other old Mexican lady who also sits outside all day. Or at least my friend who helps me

  JERRY SEINFELD: COMEDY REPRESSION THERAPIST http://www.hulu.com/watch/ 258350/the-daily-show-with- jon-stewart-comedy-repression- therapy   With an easy target for mocking like Marcus Bachmann, Michelle Bachmann's gay repression therapist of America who acts and sounds like he's repressing a little gay of his own, Jon Stewart admits he has a problem with temptation. The temptation to make cheap jokes about Marcus Bachmann. Jokes like,  "he's so gay he calls Top Gun 'that volleyball movie," which, though hilarious and satisfying, are below a satirist such as himself... kind of. To help with this debilitating problem, little known creator of The Marriage Ref, Jerry Seinfeld, is called to help with his skills in comedy repression. He coaches Jon through digging deeper into a joke than just getting laughs from the funny tone of one's voice (a great self-deprecating jab), and what not to do, like say things like, "he's so gay Richard Simmons tells hi

  STEVE BUSCEMI DRESS http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/ static/enhanced/terminal01/ 2011/7/12/10/enhanced-buzz- 22202-1310482360-5.jpg They say the clothes make the man, but what they don't say is Steve Buscemi's face makes a good dress. Steve Buscemi's face makes a lot of good things: it makes a good weasley gangster with crazy eyes, a good record collecting crazy-eyed loner, a good crazy-eyed bowling buddy, a good different kind of weasley gangster with crazy eyes, and a good internet meme where his disembodied eyes replace the eyes of attractive women. But a good dress?  If you're about to say "no, Steve Buscemi's face does not make a good dress," just look at the dress again. Gaze deep into its eyes. A little longer. There, now you're under its spell. It's like the Mona Lisa, only the eyes move because the person wearing them is moving, because the person is wearing a dress that is the image of Steve Buscemi's face. Get used to it. Once the dress ha

  CHILI CAN BE SERVED WITH CHEESE http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=eOvHZDGK-kY&feature=share You were probably sitting there thinking, there's no way anything will replace "Cha Cha Slide" by DJ Casper as your favorite instructional dance song - not even "Walk It Out" or "Walk It Out Remix" could dethrone that bar mitzvah standby classic. Well get ready to have your direction-following ass's mind blown, if you can even imagine that (did you know your mind had an ass? It's not just your ass that has a mind, you know). This is the funky new sound of a Wendy's training video. But you probably guessed that.  There's nothing more appetizing than the delicious combination of chili, a chocolate frosty, cookies and milk. I know when it's a hot summer's day all I can think of is cooling down with an ice-cold chocolate milk shake and a big steaming bowl of mass-produced chili. Served with a 3 oz carton of milk that comes with a 16 oz cu

  YOU DON'T HAVE TO TEXT ME BACK http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=vTojrs1yBcg&feature=youtu.be We've entered a strange time in our collective history where communication has been made faster and more efficient and yet has become increasingly difficult and a total boner-killer. Because texting has produced an expectation of instant gratification and response, we're now obsessed with our phones, especially if we're texting someone we're totally trying to see naked. Steve's Husband has written a ballad for our time. An anthem, if you will, for the the unwinnable game that is dating in the modern age. They have taken my Friday nights and put them into words, with a dank beat and a bearded dude with the hook, as I like all songs to be. Never has my experienced been so perfectly represented, including a stop at Dunkin Donuts and a pause to check my phone in the middle of a crosswalk, in defiance of Death and good sense.  This is the plight of the single dude who is

LARRY DAVID: HERO TO PRETEEN GIRLS http://www.aoltv.com/2011/07/ 11/larry-david-tampons-girl- scout-curb-your-enthusiasm- video/ There are few situations Larry David can comfortably handle, and those include things like sitting alone and watching TV, or sitting alone and reading. Deviating from that at all, like interacting with people, is throwing a curve ball that Larry awkwardly attempts to swing at, and if he hits it at all, he'd probably knock it right into someone's groin, or hit a girl in the face who is being proposed to on the jumbotron. The guy is not good with people, is what I'm saying, but he's even worse with little girl scouts who get their first period at his house. What I really like about his reaction to this reasonably painful moment of realizing he's the only person able to help a girl with the most personal of problems is instead of freaking out he leaps into action! Larry David saves the day with the help of his trusty leftover tampons! Leftove

PATTON OSWALT 5 SECOND FILM http://5secondfilms.com/watch/ crabwalkin/ Fair warning to all the crabwalkers out there: Crabwalkin may be fun and feel great, but always be aware of oncoming highkickin traffic. That's a recipe for danger, and inability to produce children. It's also a recipe for... comedy. A recipe for comedy, and dumb people copycatting this video and kicking their friends in the nuts all day. But I guess that's always been a thing among friends, and it can even turn into a successful career (see: "Jackass," and my friends who kick me in the nuts and have better careers than me).  This 5 Second Film really boils down comedy into its most perfect form. Not a second wasted, no extra seconds needed. I think it was Groucho Marks who said "comedy is two funny people doing something stupid, and then one of them gets kicked in the nuts." He said that to an interviewer, who then kicked him in the nuts. It was hilarious, but it would've been fu

  ROB ZOMBIE'S "THE TORTURER"  http://www.youtube.com/watch? feature=player_embedded&v= rF0Z7lxCT_Q Sometimes there's nothing more horrifying than stubborn grass stains on a new pair of white jeans. Most of the time, though, humans being tortured by deranged psycho killers is more horrifying than that. And sometimes, just plain old white jeans are horrifying enough. I mean, who wears white jeans? Gross. Those people deserved to be tortured and killed. But also, who thinks of deranged psycho killer torture when they think of stains? Rob Zombie, that's who!  I imagine that when Rob Zombie was approached to do this commercial for Woolite he already had something ready to go. Rob Zombie probably loves Woolite. Or money. Either way. I have a hard time with this commercial because I have a hard time with all commercials, because I hate them. This kind of thing reminds me of when Krusty The Clown went on a Carlin-esque rant about commercials and celebrity sell outs,

  WEIRD AL WRITES LYRICS TO CONAN'S THEME SONG, SEALS HIS DOOM http://teamcoco.com/video/ weird-al-sings-theme "Don't kill me Conan!" is not a phrase that gets tossed around much. That's not to say that Conan O'Brien doesn't have tons of people killed - he does, he just doesn't usually do the dirty work himself. It's a phrase that was probably screwed a lot in the face of Conan the Barbarian, who definitely killed a lot of people. And maybe it was even moaned sexily at Arnold Schwartzenager during some kinky role playing. But finally, Weird Al Yankovic has the privilege of pleading for his life. Bottom line: Don't mess with anyone named Conan.  When asked to write the lyrics to Conan's theme song, Weird Al foolishly let out a secret story about his past with Conan so shocking that the show, nay the world, may never recover. What will become of Al? I doubt we'll see him much anymore... until one day when those long curly brown locks show

  HUGE BASKETBALL SHORTS http://vimeo.com/24524593 Billy, put on some new clothes and look nice for once! Billy, stop wearing your towel around your chest like a lady for once! Billy, what's your problem! Your fashion style is tearing this family apart, your mother is almost inconsolable. If you couldn't place why this video's surreal style is so perfectly bad, it's from Erik Fensler, writer for Tim and Eric creator of GI Joe re-dubs. And thanks to him, now finally, huge basketball shorts-lovers have their anthem.  This video is like a mini symphony of kitsch, a 3-minute magnum opus of bad-on-purpose inspired by decades of bad-by-accident media. It moves from an amazingly bizarre scene with the parents to a rap video that couldn't be a worse song or video if this kid put it together himself. Tim and Eric fans rejoice. We can all ironically wear huge basketball shorts and though they will look stupid and impair our movement and ability to talk to people straight-face

  FERRIS BUELLER'S LAST DAY OFF, or ABE'S REVENGE http://www.atom.com/funny_ videos/sidecar_ferris/ Sure, Ferris Bueller was a cool dude in high school, a dude with a completely bizarre name that no one ever talked about who had everything come easy to him. But we all knew such carefree coolness can only take you two places: straight to the top, or absolutely nowhere.  Comedy troupe Sidecar imagines what Ferris' life would be like for the guy who did everything his way and never grew up, and also never does his fucking dishes either. Saddled with a job he doesn't want, the same dead-end relationship, and nothing to show for the last 15 years, he's pulling the same old pranks with his clinically depressed buddy and finally taking another day off. I think my favorite part of this "what if it happened now?" update is the trademark "ooooh yea" song changing to slightly lackluster "oooookaaay?" That, and the uncanny casting, costume and set

  MICHELLE BACHMANN'S REVISIONIST AMERICA http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=5RCH1nQ1u4I&feature=player_ embedded When it comes to history, especially political history, accuracy isn't nearly as important as the spirit behind it. It's not what happened in the past that matters, it's how you feel right now. And if you have to make up stuff from the past to make people feel something in the present, then, by God, that's what history is for.  Jimmy Kimmel shows us his take on Michelle Bachmann's interpretation of history, which is like Sarah Palin's story of Paul Revere, which one might call  slightly  dubious, times a made up number.  It actually looks more like a pitch for a new Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay movie that will eventually star Nicholas Cage and Angelina Jolie about the history of America. I may not believe in democracy anymore, but I'm proud to believe King James was a cross dresser and George Washington and Abraham Lincoln fought togeth